It’s hard for me not to feel left behind now-a-days.
Everyone around me is moving forward, and I feel like I never progress at all. I feel inferior to other people, even though I don’t believe I am. My friends all go away to college, and I have a 20 minute commute. It feels like I’m still in high school. People live in dorms or have their own apartments and I still live with my parents. Granted, I’m only 18, but it’s not the point. The point is; I feel like I have no freedom to grow up. My parents don’t want to loosen up their grip on my life. In many ways they have; I can generally be out all day and night and as long as I let them know I’m alive they don’t mind. They’ve finally started letting me have friends over when they’re not home (apparently I’m now less likely to “destroy the house” when they’re not around, despite the fact that when I have friends over, I don’t leave my room. Why would I?). And I finally have complete control over my bank account.
However, there are still very serious and looming issues they hold over me, such as the actually ownership of my car. Technically, the car and the insurance are under my father’s name, but I make all of the payments. We do it like this so it’s cheaper for me. But when I try to move out and they tell me they’ll either a) take the car and sell it or b) put the car in my name entirely, it puts me in a position where all of my options are equally awful and I just choose to be complacent instead of causing issues. This leads to a cloud of depression looming over my head constantly (especially during the winter months. Work, school, issues with my family, and a sever case of cabin fever from being stuck inside all winter).
Moving out of the house is actually a whole separate issue by itself. I wanted to move on campus to get the experience of living on my own without having to actually leave them, and they refuse to let me do that either (without stipulations). I can do that, but then I lose the car because “I won’t be able to afford it.” However, if I lose the car than I lose transportation to work, and then I lose my job. If I lose my job, than I can’t afford anything. And so the cycle begins again where I choose to just stay complacent in my current situation rather than deal with the headache that would be trying to convince them otherwise or doing this all myself.
Maybe that’s part of the problem; that I constantly choose to stay complacent rather than make a big decision without their consent and deal with the consequences. But that’s a double-edged sword as well. If I make the decision on my own and it doesn’t work out, I have to go back to them (which they would be all right with, they wouldn’t just let me fail and then leave me hanging). However, in a way, that’s worse than just staying complacent until I can make a better move. Because having to go back to them in their minds would be the same as saying “You were right, I was wrong.” And I refuse to do that. I refuse to admit that I’m wrong when I know I’m not. I will not fold for the sake of convenience. That’s not how I am.
So until I can come up with a superior plan to move forward, I suppose I’m just going to have to get used to feeling left behind, despite how mentally painful it can be. Maybe it’ll make me stronger in the long run (it hasn’t killed me yet, so that must mean something).